Guess That Push Has Come To This, So I Guess This Must Be Shove

I suppose that I started this blog thing for a reason. That reason being that I've often been told that if you express what you're feeling, you feel better. Not always the truest of sentiments, but it'll do for now. And it was trendy. Everyone was doing it. And that's probably the number one reason that I let it slip to the side. But now I find myself needing to express my feelings. It would be smartest to address the persons who have helped put me in this situation directly. But they don't need more stress in their life. No one needs more stress. Let alone the stress of walking me through my latest meltdown. And I really don't feel like sharing my darkest deepest feelings with the entire Internet. Not that anyone would be remotely interested. And I'm not saying that in a self depreciating manner, either. I'm just not as interesting as I once was. And I'm sure that the husband is sick of listening to his snot ridden, tear sodden wife.

He tells me I need to make a decision regarding my life. Fine. I want my life to be static. None of this people leaving me crap. Nothing should change, and I should always get my way. OK, that last bit may be just a tad childish. But honestly, I don't really want a lot out of life. I just want a lot of friends who genuinely care about me, just like I care about them. Which is to say, a lot.
Deep down I understand that life has to change. It is the very nature of life. Though I disagree with the theory of Evolution as many religiously disinclined preach it. Our lives do evolve as the American Heritage Dictionary so aptly puts it. "A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form. " Not sure that I agree with the better form. But we can leave it for the moment.
I'm just sick and tired of it happening. I know that I haven't always been the best friend in the world. But it really did mean a lot to me, knowing that you all were 'just there' when I needed you. You were there if I wanted to call you up and hit Chin's or Denny's, that was fine. But every single stinking time I let my barriers down to get close to someone, or begin to rely on someone, they leave. Some more permanently than others... But still gone. Ani said it best in "Out of Habit"

i want my old friends
i want my old face
i want my old mind
f*ck this time and place

I am happy for those who are moving on with their lives. Really I am. Maybe I'm even a little jealous. But I chose what I chose, and here I am. A mediocre wife, a failing pioneer, emotionally challenged. I feel trapped. Devoid of choices. I'm not angry, or upset with my choices. I love Tim and really can't imagine my life with out him. But I'm 28, soon to be 29, I live in my parent's basement, work at a nice enough place, pioneer poorly, and... I don't know. If we do buy a duplex, we have a house tying us down if we ever do get to apply to Gilead or accepted to Bethel (As if... that's ever going to happen.) If we don't buy, we rent a place, or live in my parent's basement. Ain't no cat, Ain't no cradle.

Well, I haven't fully expressed what I'm feeling, and I can't say that I'm feeling particularly better. Perhaps a bit. I've identified that I'm indulging in a fantastic pity party. And Nutmeg just reminded me that I really should get dressed and do something with my life.

not really a post, just a thought that I didn't want to forget and didn't have any paper

great song subject: Give me some tequila and a little bit of time.

and there are only two types of people. Those who are stupid enough not to get it, when I say something snide, and those who are smart enough to get it. You know who you are....

Studying Stones

i am out here studying stones

trying to learn to be less alive

using all of my will

to keep very still

still even on the inside

i've cut all of the pertinent wires

so my eyes can't make that connection

i am holding my breath

i am feigning my death

when i'm looking in your direction

'course numb is an old hat

old as my oldest memories

see that one's my mother

and that one's my father

and that one in the hat, that's me

it's a skill i'd hoped to abandon

when i got out on the open road

but any more pent up emotion

and i think i'm gonna explode

there's never been an endeavor so strange

as trying to slow the blood in my veins

to keep my face blank

as a stone that just sank

until not a ripple remains

i am high above the tree line

sitting cross legged on the ground

when all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted

that's when i'm gonna come down

'course numb is an old hat

old as my oldest memories

see that one's my mother

and that one's my father

and that one in the hat, that's me

it's a skill i'd hoped to abandon

when i got out on the open road

but any more pent up emotion

and i think i'm gonna explode

WORDS AND MUSIC BY ANI DIFRANCO

PS Chicken pox Sucks

Terrified of telephones and shopping mall, and knives, and drowning in the pools of over lives.

Yeah, Poland Rocked my socks like a really wet cold rocking thing. Go cold rocking things! Seriously, the trip was amazing. The people were so very warm and nice that I rarely noticed that I was cold and wet. Here are pictures!

<-It's the Rubach's from Burlington! We got all the way to JFK in New York (flying out of O'Hare at 4:30 am is actually really nice. Spending 18 hours in airports - not so nice) and saw these familiar faces... I've got to figure out how to lighten this up so that you CAN see their faces.

Look, it's Tim, who's really tired, and some people from our bus waiting in the Heathrow Airport to meet our guide. One Plane lands per minute at Heathrow, making it the busiest Airport in the world.

This is Kensington Palace where Princess Diana lived.

This is a Picture of a meeting for field service in London (it's in the London Branch) They are meeting outside a pub. The branch was way neat. Not nearly as large as anything in New York, but still very busy. There are an absolute ton of foreign languages in London. And they also care for all the isles.

Look! It's Windsor Castle!

And It's our Hotel when the fire alarm went off and they had to evacute us all at 6:45 A.M. Sure glad I was in the shower.

And I'm using the Tele!

It's Tim and I outsid the Palace on the Water in Warsaw, Poland.

And this is the countryside in Poland. Looks a lot like Wisconsin doesn't it? They even have holstiens.

Remeber how I said it was cold and raining? It rained all three days, and we were in an outdoor stadium. Even the brothers on the stage used umbrellas. The brothers and sisters were so kind... One side the the stadium had an over hang, and that was where they arranged for the delegates to sit. All the Polish Brothers and sisters had to sit in the rain. Some of them had to sit on wet concrete too. They didn't have seats. What I can't convey in these pictures is that it was about 55 degrees Fehrinhite. Seriously chilly.

The ones sitting on the soccer field are the baptismal canedites. You can see that the brothers and sisters made little tarp cities using plastic and umbrella. It got really, really humid and hard to breath in those plastic enclosures. They acted like a greenhouse, but they were able to stay mostly dry.

Oh, and that's "Deliverance at Hand!" in Finnish.

There were 298 people baptised at Poznan. Imagine getting baptised in a pool of water that was 50 degrees and had been rained in for a day and a half. Fun, huh?

This is only 1/6th of the Bus parking. Hope you remebered where you parked! Actually, Jaque and I got totally lost on Friday. But our Tour Guide Jan found us.

Ok, there are more pictures... but Tim says I have to go to bed now... More updates coming soon!

I want to swim away but don't know how

And I don't know what to say. But yet there is so very much that needs saying. I'd don't think I've had a weekend where I've felt so very conflicted. The convention was exactly what I needed. They are always like a shot in the arm of spiritual vitamins. And I've realized that there are somethings that I really need to work on. My relationship with the "Stallis" Elders is one thing. And the whole not throwing hard balls at Tim is another thing. And the Soft balls covered in poison ivy too. So the Convention was Great! I can't wait for the one in Poland. Sure I won't be able to understand a whole lot of it, but, well.... It's still going to be way cool. I'm open for suggestions for what to bring as gifts for all those polish people. Little things I think. Bookmarks? give me Ideas.
One of the other things that I learned over the weekend is how very far I've drifted from my friends. There is so much going on in their lives that I have no idea about. And it's very hard to be there for someone when well... you're not there. And I feel stupid... but I'm not going to go down that road. I don't know the details, I really don't want or need to. I do have an overwhelming feeling of failure though. I just must not have done a good enough teaching, or reaching the heart... but oh well. Spilled milk and all that jazz.
But on a better note, Look! a frog! We nearly stepped on him/her/it when we went hiking at Bong! (eh.. hu...hey Bevis... she said bong)

No... We're never gonna survive unless... We get a little crazy

Well, I really have nothing new to report... life is well, static at the moment. Just wanted to commemmorate the fact that today is 04-05-06. And that won't happen again for another thousand years. And who's to say that we'll be keeping time in the same manner.

And that up there is my Hero Dusque and Adam's Cesium. We look pretty spiffy don't we fighting crime and all. Well, Toodles!

We emerged from youth all wide-eyed like the rest.

Ain't it cute! It's puppycide.

So... No I Voted for Kodos, but I got to play volleyball with Abz and Jamin and Travis and Tim and John P Peardon and Andrew and Lynn and Jess the More and Kathy and everyone and it was really really fun. And then the CO called and had a little chit chat with the Timinator and he said we should just continue to do what we've been doing, which is putting in the hours, (since we finally heard back from Bethel and we've been inactivated as Pioneers since September and the brothers here at StAllis won't let us reapply) and we should reapply in 8 weeks. Which so nicely coincides with his visit here. Aww, look... The kitty is going to shoot the puppy, ain't it cute folks?

But back to last evening! We went to LeDuc's. Good 'ol Le Duc's. And we tried to get Lauren fired, just by being obnoxious. As in "Aren't these the ugliest Con's EVER?" as I slap my foot up on the window sill she needs to put my ice cream on. An amazing display of my agility if ever there was one. And such plans we laid! I cannot mention them due to their highly secret nature. And I fear they will never come to fuition, fruishion, frewision... however that's spelt. But dang it would be fun! And so well deserved. *sigh*

As the World Falls Down

Mount Doom... That's my theme today.
Ever have one of those weekends that you think may define your life, but it doesn't. Not really. Actually it's only been two days, but both of them have left me with my jaw hanging open and a sense of foreboding and dread just twisting my gut. I've had a really horrendous sickness. I missed most of last week for work. And while that might pinch my pocket book, what I really worry about is my field service time. But then again, does that really matter? Not anymore I guess. I'm having MAJOR issues with the service committee in the congregation. And while I've been counseled by some very close trusted friends to leave this hall - it just feels wrong to pick up and move congregations. But Tim keeps reminding me that we really have to think of our spirituality first and foremost. It just feels like defeat. And it is. And I really hate losing. Anyhow, the sucky two days - I'm chit chatting with a sister after the meeting on Sunday and find out that a brother in our bookstudy just up and left the truth last weekend. The family was away and when they came back all of his things were gone. He's not returning phone calls, and says he doesn't want anything to do with the truth right now. My reaction was NO WAY! He gave a public talk at our hall 2 weeks ago! He was a ministerial servant and auxiliary pioneering. And *snap* just like that he decided to walk away. I just can't believe it. It just makes my gut do a 280 degree twist.
And this morning on my way to work I went past Adventure Games Plus and they're closing. That's like a major landmark for me. That was my introduction to gaming before there was Tim in my life. I'm sure that our group will still get together and play BattleTech and 40K... But it was "the store" Significant amounts of time was spent there - both Tim and I. I just can't imagine it not being there. I know that there is an AGP in Waukesha, but, well... That's Waukesha, and NOT "the store." I just can't believe how much this last week has sucked. Not just the last week, more like the last year. And it's not the marriage thing... I've really been enjoying most of that. It's everything else. The mold in the other apartment, Ben Rubach, well... You know, everything. Life sucks.
It sounds really pessimistic, but I almost wish that I'd die and just wake up in the new system. I really don't know how much more we're all expected to take. I know we're deep in the end of this system of things. But I'm just tired.
What a sad thing to think on the first day of Spring. I'm supposed to be happy and excited that the sun is coming back and it will be warm again. Somehow, that isn't helping this year.

Beware the Ides of March!

I almost forgot! It's March 15th! The Ides of March. Ahh.... History.

The soothsayer's warning to Julius Caesar, "Beware the Ides of March," has forever imbued that date with a sense of foreboding. But in Roman times the expression "Ides of March" did not necessarily evoke a dark mood—it was simply the standard way of saying "March 15." The term Ides comes from the earliest Roman calendar, which is said to have been devised by Romulus, the mythical founder of Rome. Whether it was Romulus or not, the inventor of this calendar had a penchant for complexity.

So the Romulans (gotta love the Star Trek tie in) have a crazy dating system. And it's the day that that Julius Ceaser got Whacked. Shakespeare and Star Trek, merging on one day. It's glorious. Especially now that you can read Julius Ceaser in Klingon. Not that I have mind you.

Move Over Google Earth!

Wow, you just gotta love NASA. I'm not sure if I love Google or not yet, but when the two of them team up - remarkably cool things happen. Introducing, www.google.com/mars It's Google Earth and all the coolness there - but on Mars! So it won't help me with driving directions or finding coffee houses or neat looking regions (you should try the Eiffel Tower - not 3D... so when you change your POV it looks really cool) But it's MARS! With three diffrent types of maps! And have I mentioned that it's Mars?

Just wanted to share... I'm off to the doctor now to see if he can fix my broken tonsil. At least I think it's my tonsil. Something is definitly screwed up in that area...

My New favorite thing!

You know... When I think of Pandora, it's usually some incredibly dumb (and I do picture her as blonde) greek chica who really screwed things up. Atleast according to the Greeks. Gotta love the greeks. Especially the food. Mmmm gyros... But back to Pandora. Stupid girl, always hated her. Even though it was really Epimetheus' fault that she opened the box. Stupid Epimetheus. But back to Pandora. Finally found something that made me like the name.

Pandora.com my new favorite thing. Even better than rain drops on roses, girls in white dresses and sleeping with roaches. (Gawsh, I love that CD Lauren!) It takes a favorite band or song and using the "Music Genome Project" creates a radio station scientificly suited to my ears. So far I love it. I have one station set to The Weakerthans, Tigan and Sara, Ani Difranco, Mae, and Simple Plan (hey... I like them, shut up.) And I love it. It has introduced me to new bands that I probably would never have ever heard of and, well... It's just cool. Even cooler than Thin Mint Edy's Ice cream. And much much cooler than the swollen tonsils and sore throat that I'm suffering from at the moment. I hate tonsils. Really. The swelling... the pain... the sucking... gah.

"The Car" is still way cool! It not only has a moonroof, but it has a 10 (yes 10!) cd changer and way cool speakers in it. The only badness? Cd changer's in the trunk and the cd player in the car doesn't play mp3s. But besides that the after market stereo and speakers are awesome!

Well, by non scripted rambling has ended... I'd leave you with the picture of the day but the uploading hates me. Or my tonsils... one of the two.

Changing of the guard

Well, it's been a very long time since I've updated! And so many uncool things have happened. But then some cool things happened and it's mostly all good.

So, we bid goodbye to Grania - The Irish Pirate Queen. (Aka Old Bessie)

That was a fun little car. And so many cool things happened in that car. Trips to well, everywhere... Elements of style, tires falling off, the trunk never really closing right... the deer running into me... Almost hitting Gypsy... Ah the stories. The good timez. Well, in case you all didn't know, Tim and I killed 'lil Grania and I got to go to the hospital in an ambulance! Yeah the fun. Some how we rear ended the car in front of us with the rear passanger side of the car. Right above the rear tire. Grizzly man. Grizzly.

But now we got a new Car: Enter "No Name." She needs a name kids!

And to make it even more fun, I bought her while Tim was doing relief work down in New Orleans. Talk about stress!

But it all worked out. Tim is back from New Orleans, Gallun's are back from California, and Jeff is all Married. I actually think I might miss Jordan. But Gus is happy to be back home. The next major thing: Poland followed by GenCon! Somehow it'll work. I hope!

Hmmm.. this was a fun night.

I just wanted to steal these from Lauren. I sure had fun
playing Cribbage. Even though it looks like we're playing Twister.

Now where Am I going to put that hand anyway?
Hmm.. Should I mention that Andrew looks mighty intrested in Alex's, erm... Maybe I shouldn't. Andrew IS taller than me now. Although I'm pretty sure that I can take him. Bring it on! And your little dog too!

Yup. Wizard of Oz references. I've got to get off this kick. It's bad. Not to mention that those monkey's are way scary. WAY scary.

And I don't think I want to think about where my head is in this picture. Nope. Really don't want to think about it. Not at all.

So I think that I'm going to stop blathering on now... especially since I don't think anyone is reading this anymore anyway. But it's still fun to mess with.

Dude... The tire totally flew off my car. Seriously.

ok... that's not my rotor. but it was too dark to take a picture of what my car looked like after the lug nuts fell off my front left tire and the entire thing (tire, rim... you name it) went sailing 200 feet or more into a farmers field, and sent my car screeching on three tires and a rotor for 50 feet or more. I really don't know how we didn't end up in the field, hitting another car, or flipping the car. I really don't know. And all we had to do to fix it is take lug nuts off the other tires, put the tire back on and Wha la' or however you spell that. Go Dad Kurt and Mark for coming to our rescue in the cold Northern part of wisconsin. Wolves could have eaten us. literally. WOLVES!

Ding Dong! The Witch is dead.

Life just got a whole lot easier at work. Not that I wished her gone... Well, ok. I did. It was so less stressful, and we've all been able to really show our skills. Mad Skilz yo!

So you'll have to excuse me while I envision little munchkins singing in their little munchkin voices. Tee hee.

I hate Friday the 13th, and not for EVIL REASONS. Even more than Lauren.

Dude. I hate today. Mostly because I have become old. Really old. 27 years old. I may as well just go buy a casket tomorrow. Gah. And it's Friday the 13th. It's just never been a good year when that happens. But that's probably just happen stance.

But, Battlestar Galactica is on and I have to concentrate.

Albania - land of the eagle

Ah Monday's! Not so manic, but nothings perfect. Not even the Bangles. Which actually really sucked now that I think about it. I mean their best songs are cheesy, except for the remake of 'Whiter shade of pale.' the old Simon and Garfunkle tune. That one kind of rocked.

But the whole purpose of posting today was to share the AWESOME experience I had today. To bad it's not my study. Anyway, there's a sister named Ruth from my hall who invited me to go on her study today. It's a study with a 16 year old girl named Nerteila, and her grandmother Katrina both from Albania. (hence the title - see there was relevance. Hey - It was in the 'Tower not long ago!) But anyway. Nerteila (NUR-teal-a) speaks ok (well, sorta ok) English and Katrina speaks none. Yup. Just enough for "Hi, how are you? Thank you." and the sort. It was a really good study. Really encouraging to see people actually appreciating what they are learning in the bible. Though Ruth was right - my head did hurt afterwards. So that was today... Who knows what other coolness tomorrow will bring.

Ps. Being an adult still sucks.

Adulthood does... Something... I've forgotten, what was I just saying?

Adulthood is a disease. Do not be fooled, or worse yet guilted, into thinking otherwise. Adulthood is not an achievement, it is a disease. We fight it and ignore it and hope it goes away, but ultimately Adulthood is a disease for which there is no cure. It is as inevitable as death and almost as painful. Adulthood takes root in your brain and slowly spreads, eating away at your zest for life until, finally, it metastasizes and youÂ’re left to carry out your days as a zombie.

RUN sweet fools! RUN! I'm not kidding. Run like the wind, run like well, something really, really fast. Superspeed times three. Adulthood is such a rip off. Eventually all we do is 1.) Work 2.) Watch TV 3.) sleep 4.) Rinse 5.) Repeat. Sounds fun, no? Eventuallyy all I'll ever do is worry about a mortgage payment and whether or not I need to pick up aloafe of bread from the store on the way home from work.

This was supposed to be something better. I was supposed to make my own decisions, stay up as late as I wanted and eat all the candy I want. What do I get? Snot nosed kids that think I'm 30, I haven't been to a show in forever, and I buy candy and Tim eats it. Grrrr... As for the decision thing! HA! All I do is try and make the decision that will cause the least amount of irritation in the long run. What is that? What happened to my ideals? Myphilosophyy? My unique Dawness? Gah! Phewy. It's been an irritating few weeks, and I've dishes to do. Adulthood's calling, and unfortunately, I need to answer.

But before I do - the few bright spots in my day:
1.) I'm going to Poland! yes POLAND! commencee joking) I'm hoping it'll be fun, as we've been accepted to the special convention in Poznan.
2.) I've fallen in love with eggradio. com It's my new favorite station to listen to whenI'mm online. Good mix: I went from Violent Femmes to Frank Sinatra to The Eels to the Weakerthans to Kermit singing the Rainbow Connection to Fiona Apple and a few Bands I've never heard of before. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm good.

Yup that's me and the Timber. Wow that picture's like REALLY old. 2001 I believe. Awww... That feels so long ago.
But not so long ago (Saturday) I had lots of fun tormenting the Abzster and Lauren. Mwahahahaha! I shall not be defeated at SPOONS! Sorry we didn't play Twister. ANd thanks for not picking on Heather.
I'm all sad today becuase I found out that I won't be able to make my yearly pilgrimage to the Orpheum in Madtown to stand in the cold with Cassie and Leah to listen to the Ani and vent my feminista ideals. I'm also sad that Ani has tendonitis in both wrists... so she should rest up and all that jazz. Just so that she can come serenade me some other year. But I sure will miss standing in the cold, not drinking any alcoholic beverages that I didn't put in my pocket, reminising about the last time we did this...
But we bought a Van! And it's not even a mini-van. It's a Van-Van. A man's Van. Well, it's blue. It's a E250 cargo van with no windows. which is really ugly and I hope that I never have to drive it. So there. I still miss the Subaru. That little station wagon rocked.
Tim says I have to go to bed now. night.

Life certainly is an adventure. Sometimes it turnes out for the best. Sometimes not. Yesterday it turned out for the best and made me realize just how unique we followers of Jehovah are. And what great qualities honesty and love are. It's a loooong story, but just like the picture of the Apollo 12 astronauts, it certainly led to some introspection.