Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression

Nothing witty today. Just a sense off loss. Actor Ricardo Montalban died today at the age of 88.

“To the last, I will grapple with thee. From hell’s heart, I stab at thee. For hate’s sake, I spit my last breath at thee”

Who knew Herman Melville was so forward thinking?

A dawn obscured by slight sky raining

Well, I did it. I made my first bento. Not real pretty. Not real fancy. But it is Bento-esk. I don't know if I can honestly call it an ongiri - It's more of a mooshed together rice ball, surrounded by celery Kinpira, carrot/parsley sesame salad, and 3 pot stickers that were in the freezer. Oh, and the apple. At least Brody was interested in counter surfing for it.

sleep walking through the all-nite drug store

One of my favorite lines from an Ani DiFranco song. And it so aptly describes my life at the moment. I've been struggling with depression for quite some time, trying to deal with it on my own. And failing. Tim sometimes asks me what I think my good qualities are. Undeniably, I answer failing and sucking. Not the literal act of sucking. Rather the inability to do something well, kind of sucking. And so I've sought help. I can't keep living like this, hating myself, hating what I do, or don't do... So I join the land of Pharmacopia. They assure me it won't hurt. Rather reminds me of the "Comfortably Numb" song from Pink Floyd. Odd how I relate songs to my emotional state. That someone else could express what I'm feeling better than I can. Well, rather than whine and complain about my life here's the picture of the day. Tim and I on Pfieffer State Beach, Big Sur. May 2008. It was so much fun! And now the rest of the Ani song Superhero.

sleep walking through the all-nite drug store
baptized in fluorescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.
'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that things look different now
different in so many ways

i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else

if i was dressed in my best defenses
would you agree to meet me for coffee
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors
would you still know which one was me
if i was naked and screaming
on your front lawn
would you turn on the light and come down
screaming, there's the asshole
who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down

i used to be a superhero
no one could hurt me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else

yeah you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and now i'm a different person
different in so many ways
tell me what did you like about me
and don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing

i used to be a superhero
i would swoop down and save me
from myself
but you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else

Let's try this again!

Alright, let's try this again. I've been told to keep a journal, diary, blog... or something :) in order to express myself. Or something. I find that I don't really have much to say at the moment. Other than I'm having a personal crisis. But I'll have to work that out on my own. I guess. So since I have little to say here's the picture of the day!
Mum and I getting ready to kayak down the Wisconsin and Mississippi Rivers at the Wyalusing State Park. (Thanks Rose for taking the picture!)

Summersong

Ever spend so much time looking forward to something for so long, that once it gets here.... You really don't enjoy it? That perhaps it was the exhilaration of expectation that kept you going. And the starkness of the reality, well . . .

And what really is it that keeps you going if it isn't those wild, unrequited expectations? If we were to sit down and and take stock of what we have today - well, there isn't much point to it all, is there?

And who am I to complain about expectations? Poor Tim. I don't think I've lived up to a single one of his.

Ramblin' where to begin
I taste the summer on your peppery skin
Been saved the warmer the waves
I felt a slip into a watery grave
My girl, linen and curls
Lips parting like a flag all unfurled
She's grand the bend of her hand
Digging deep into the sweep of the sand
Summer arrives with a length of lights
Summer blows away
And quietly gets swallowed by a wave
It gets swallowed by a wave
Waylay the din of the day
Boats bobbing in the blue of the bay
In deep far beneath all the dead sailors
Slowly slipping to sleep
My girl, linen and curls
Lips parting like a flag all unfurled
She's grand the bend of her hand
Digging deep into the sweep of the sand
Summer arrives with a length of lights
Summer blows away
And quietly gets swallowed by a wave
It gets swallowed by a wave...
- Summersong, The Decemberists

Winter Photos.

Lots more where these came from, but i' m tired, and am going to bed :)

Timber 12-16-1996 -> 11-6-2007

Poor little man went for one last walk on the boardwalk, and he had to live with the cat along. Then he suddenly died on Tuesday 11-6-07. Here's some pictures.

Breakfast, Every Hour, It Could Save the World

It really could you know. Where would Superman, Batman, Invincible and Spiderman be without a good healthy breakfast. And not one of those breakfast bars (now with added calcium!) either. A good old fashioned pancakes, varieties of pig, orange juice and butter. Maybe syrup, too. And with a superhero's crazy hours, you need breakfast - whenever time. Actually it's a line from an old (define old, really. It's just from a diffrent era in my life, less than a decade ago, really) Amos song, Purple People. I'd forgotten how tortured and crazy that grrl's lyrics were. Found myself humming the song so I pulled it up and gave it a listen. It has some great lines in it. Well hey do you do Judo when they surround you? A little mental yoga will they disappear? It's grim but never dubious as motives go. One thing she'll always promises, promises is a show. Thunder wishes it could be the Snow. Wishes it could be as loved as she can be. These gifts are here for her, for you, for me. I watch me be this other thing and never know, if I'm marooned or where the purple people go. then lily white matricide from vicious words. it doesn't leave a scratch so therefore no one's hurt . Thunder wishes it could be the Snow. Wishes it could be as loved as she can be. These gifts are here for her, for you,for me. And don't you know, The nurses make it clear, Just when you've escaped you have yourself to fear. a restaurant that never has to close. Breakfast, every hour, it could save the world. so hey do you do Judo in your finery? an angel's face is tricky to wear constantly. Thunder wishes it could be the Snow. Wishes it could be as loved as she can be. These gifts are here for her, for you, for me, For her,for her. Not the hard hitting, make you think/wince/shout in agreement that some of Ani's songs do for me, but good nonetheless. (Three words or one? I can never decide.) Makes me think of all the weird places I've been physically, emotionally, ect... All those choices, options, oportunities, and here I am. It's not a bad thing. I mostly like where/who I am. I miss portions of myself that I've let slide. But really, that's probably for the best. My best hope is that they'll leave the light on for the dancing girl.... But given Tim's mood lately, I'm not holding out hope.

Guess That Push Has Come To This, So I Guess This Must Be Shove

I suppose that I started this blog thing for a reason. That reason being that I've often been told that if you express what you're feeling, you feel better. Not always the truest of sentiments, but it'll do for now. And it was trendy. Everyone was doing it. And that's probably the number one reason that I let it slip to the side. But now I find myself needing to express my feelings. It would be smartest to address the persons who have helped put me in this situation directly. But they don't need more stress in their life. No one needs more stress. Let alone the stress of walking me through my latest meltdown. And I really don't feel like sharing my darkest deepest feelings with the entire Internet. Not that anyone would be remotely interested. And I'm not saying that in a self depreciating manner, either. I'm just not as interesting as I once was. And I'm sure that the husband is sick of listening to his snot ridden, tear sodden wife.

He tells me I need to make a decision regarding my life. Fine. I want my life to be static. None of this people leaving me crap. Nothing should change, and I should always get my way. OK, that last bit may be just a tad childish. But honestly, I don't really want a lot out of life. I just want a lot of friends who genuinely care about me, just like I care about them. Which is to say, a lot.
Deep down I understand that life has to change. It is the very nature of life. Though I disagree with the theory of Evolution as many religiously disinclined preach it. Our lives do evolve as the American Heritage Dictionary so aptly puts it. "A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form. " Not sure that I agree with the better form. But we can leave it for the moment.
I'm just sick and tired of it happening. I know that I haven't always been the best friend in the world. But it really did mean a lot to me, knowing that you all were 'just there' when I needed you. You were there if I wanted to call you up and hit Chin's or Denny's, that was fine. But every single stinking time I let my barriers down to get close to someone, or begin to rely on someone, they leave. Some more permanently than others... But still gone. Ani said it best in "Out of Habit"

i want my old friends
i want my old face
i want my old mind
f*ck this time and place

I am happy for those who are moving on with their lives. Really I am. Maybe I'm even a little jealous. But I chose what I chose, and here I am. A mediocre wife, a failing pioneer, emotionally challenged. I feel trapped. Devoid of choices. I'm not angry, or upset with my choices. I love Tim and really can't imagine my life with out him. But I'm 28, soon to be 29, I live in my parent's basement, work at a nice enough place, pioneer poorly, and... I don't know. If we do buy a duplex, we have a house tying us down if we ever do get to apply to Gilead or accepted to Bethel (As if... that's ever going to happen.) If we don't buy, we rent a place, or live in my parent's basement. Ain't no cat, Ain't no cradle.

Well, I haven't fully expressed what I'm feeling, and I can't say that I'm feeling particularly better. Perhaps a bit. I've identified that I'm indulging in a fantastic pity party. And Nutmeg just reminded me that I really should get dressed and do something with my life.

not really a post, just a thought that I didn't want to forget and didn't have any paper

great song subject: Give me some tequila and a little bit of time.

and there are only two types of people. Those who are stupid enough not to get it, when I say something snide, and those who are smart enough to get it. You know who you are....

Studying Stones

i am out here studying stones

trying to learn to be less alive

using all of my will

to keep very still

still even on the inside

i've cut all of the pertinent wires

so my eyes can't make that connection

i am holding my breath

i am feigning my death

when i'm looking in your direction

'course numb is an old hat

old as my oldest memories

see that one's my mother

and that one's my father

and that one in the hat, that's me

it's a skill i'd hoped to abandon

when i got out on the open road

but any more pent up emotion

and i think i'm gonna explode

there's never been an endeavor so strange

as trying to slow the blood in my veins

to keep my face blank

as a stone that just sank

until not a ripple remains

i am high above the tree line

sitting cross legged on the ground

when all of the forbidden fruit has fallen and rotted

that's when i'm gonna come down

'course numb is an old hat

old as my oldest memories

see that one's my mother

and that one's my father

and that one in the hat, that's me

it's a skill i'd hoped to abandon

when i got out on the open road

but any more pent up emotion

and i think i'm gonna explode

WORDS AND MUSIC BY ANI DIFRANCO

PS Chicken pox Sucks

Terrified of telephones and shopping mall, and knives, and drowning in the pools of over lives.

Yeah, Poland Rocked my socks like a really wet cold rocking thing. Go cold rocking things! Seriously, the trip was amazing. The people were so very warm and nice that I rarely noticed that I was cold and wet. Here are pictures!

<-It's the Rubach's from Burlington! We got all the way to JFK in New York (flying out of O'Hare at 4:30 am is actually really nice. Spending 18 hours in airports - not so nice) and saw these familiar faces... I've got to figure out how to lighten this up so that you CAN see their faces.

Look, it's Tim, who's really tired, and some people from our bus waiting in the Heathrow Airport to meet our guide. One Plane lands per minute at Heathrow, making it the busiest Airport in the world.

This is Kensington Palace where Princess Diana lived.

This is a Picture of a meeting for field service in London (it's in the London Branch) They are meeting outside a pub. The branch was way neat. Not nearly as large as anything in New York, but still very busy. There are an absolute ton of foreign languages in London. And they also care for all the isles.

Look! It's Windsor Castle!

And It's our Hotel when the fire alarm went off and they had to evacute us all at 6:45 A.M. Sure glad I was in the shower.

And I'm using the Tele!

It's Tim and I outsid the Palace on the Water in Warsaw, Poland.

And this is the countryside in Poland. Looks a lot like Wisconsin doesn't it? They even have holstiens.

Remeber how I said it was cold and raining? It rained all three days, and we were in an outdoor stadium. Even the brothers on the stage used umbrellas. The brothers and sisters were so kind... One side the the stadium had an over hang, and that was where they arranged for the delegates to sit. All the Polish Brothers and sisters had to sit in the rain. Some of them had to sit on wet concrete too. They didn't have seats. What I can't convey in these pictures is that it was about 55 degrees Fehrinhite. Seriously chilly.

The ones sitting on the soccer field are the baptismal canedites. You can see that the brothers and sisters made little tarp cities using plastic and umbrella. It got really, really humid and hard to breath in those plastic enclosures. They acted like a greenhouse, but they were able to stay mostly dry.

Oh, and that's "Deliverance at Hand!" in Finnish.

There were 298 people baptised at Poznan. Imagine getting baptised in a pool of water that was 50 degrees and had been rained in for a day and a half. Fun, huh?

This is only 1/6th of the Bus parking. Hope you remebered where you parked! Actually, Jaque and I got totally lost on Friday. But our Tour Guide Jan found us.

Ok, there are more pictures... but Tim says I have to go to bed now... More updates coming soon!

I want to swim away but don't know how

And I don't know what to say. But yet there is so very much that needs saying. I'd don't think I've had a weekend where I've felt so very conflicted. The convention was exactly what I needed. They are always like a shot in the arm of spiritual vitamins. And I've realized that there are somethings that I really need to work on. My relationship with the "Stallis" Elders is one thing. And the whole not throwing hard balls at Tim is another thing. And the Soft balls covered in poison ivy too. So the Convention was Great! I can't wait for the one in Poland. Sure I won't be able to understand a whole lot of it, but, well.... It's still going to be way cool. I'm open for suggestions for what to bring as gifts for all those polish people. Little things I think. Bookmarks? give me Ideas.
One of the other things that I learned over the weekend is how very far I've drifted from my friends. There is so much going on in their lives that I have no idea about. And it's very hard to be there for someone when well... you're not there. And I feel stupid... but I'm not going to go down that road. I don't know the details, I really don't want or need to. I do have an overwhelming feeling of failure though. I just must not have done a good enough teaching, or reaching the heart... but oh well. Spilled milk and all that jazz.
But on a better note, Look! a frog! We nearly stepped on him/her/it when we went hiking at Bong! (eh.. hu...hey Bevis... she said bong)

No... We're never gonna survive unless... We get a little crazy

Well, I really have nothing new to report... life is well, static at the moment. Just wanted to commemmorate the fact that today is 04-05-06. And that won't happen again for another thousand years. And who's to say that we'll be keeping time in the same manner.

And that up there is my Hero Dusque and Adam's Cesium. We look pretty spiffy don't we fighting crime and all. Well, Toodles!

We emerged from youth all wide-eyed like the rest.

Ain't it cute! It's puppycide.

So... No I Voted for Kodos, but I got to play volleyball with Abz and Jamin and Travis and Tim and John P Peardon and Andrew and Lynn and Jess the More and Kathy and everyone and it was really really fun. And then the CO called and had a little chit chat with the Timinator and he said we should just continue to do what we've been doing, which is putting in the hours, (since we finally heard back from Bethel and we've been inactivated as Pioneers since September and the brothers here at StAllis won't let us reapply) and we should reapply in 8 weeks. Which so nicely coincides with his visit here. Aww, look... The kitty is going to shoot the puppy, ain't it cute folks?

But back to last evening! We went to LeDuc's. Good 'ol Le Duc's. And we tried to get Lauren fired, just by being obnoxious. As in "Aren't these the ugliest Con's EVER?" as I slap my foot up on the window sill she needs to put my ice cream on. An amazing display of my agility if ever there was one. And such plans we laid! I cannot mention them due to their highly secret nature. And I fear they will never come to fuition, fruishion, frewision... however that's spelt. But dang it would be fun! And so well deserved. *sigh*

As the World Falls Down

Mount Doom... That's my theme today.
Ever have one of those weekends that you think may define your life, but it doesn't. Not really. Actually it's only been two days, but both of them have left me with my jaw hanging open and a sense of foreboding and dread just twisting my gut. I've had a really horrendous sickness. I missed most of last week for work. And while that might pinch my pocket book, what I really worry about is my field service time. But then again, does that really matter? Not anymore I guess. I'm having MAJOR issues with the service committee in the congregation. And while I've been counseled by some very close trusted friends to leave this hall - it just feels wrong to pick up and move congregations. But Tim keeps reminding me that we really have to think of our spirituality first and foremost. It just feels like defeat. And it is. And I really hate losing. Anyhow, the sucky two days - I'm chit chatting with a sister after the meeting on Sunday and find out that a brother in our bookstudy just up and left the truth last weekend. The family was away and when they came back all of his things were gone. He's not returning phone calls, and says he doesn't want anything to do with the truth right now. My reaction was NO WAY! He gave a public talk at our hall 2 weeks ago! He was a ministerial servant and auxiliary pioneering. And *snap* just like that he decided to walk away. I just can't believe it. It just makes my gut do a 280 degree twist.
And this morning on my way to work I went past Adventure Games Plus and they're closing. That's like a major landmark for me. That was my introduction to gaming before there was Tim in my life. I'm sure that our group will still get together and play BattleTech and 40K... But it was "the store" Significant amounts of time was spent there - both Tim and I. I just can't imagine it not being there. I know that there is an AGP in Waukesha, but, well... That's Waukesha, and NOT "the store." I just can't believe how much this last week has sucked. Not just the last week, more like the last year. And it's not the marriage thing... I've really been enjoying most of that. It's everything else. The mold in the other apartment, Ben Rubach, well... You know, everything. Life sucks.
It sounds really pessimistic, but I almost wish that I'd die and just wake up in the new system. I really don't know how much more we're all expected to take. I know we're deep in the end of this system of things. But I'm just tired.
What a sad thing to think on the first day of Spring. I'm supposed to be happy and excited that the sun is coming back and it will be warm again. Somehow, that isn't helping this year.

Beware the Ides of March!

I almost forgot! It's March 15th! The Ides of March. Ahh.... History.

The soothsayer's warning to Julius Caesar, "Beware the Ides of March," has forever imbued that date with a sense of foreboding. But in Roman times the expression "Ides of March" did not necessarily evoke a dark mood—it was simply the standard way of saying "March 15." The term Ides comes from the earliest Roman calendar, which is said to have been devised by Romulus, the mythical founder of Rome. Whether it was Romulus or not, the inventor of this calendar had a penchant for complexity.

So the Romulans (gotta love the Star Trek tie in) have a crazy dating system. And it's the day that that Julius Ceaser got Whacked. Shakespeare and Star Trek, merging on one day. It's glorious. Especially now that you can read Julius Ceaser in Klingon. Not that I have mind you.

Move Over Google Earth!

Wow, you just gotta love NASA. I'm not sure if I love Google or not yet, but when the two of them team up - remarkably cool things happen. Introducing, www.google.com/mars It's Google Earth and all the coolness there - but on Mars! So it won't help me with driving directions or finding coffee houses or neat looking regions (you should try the Eiffel Tower - not 3D... so when you change your POV it looks really cool) But it's MARS! With three diffrent types of maps! And have I mentioned that it's Mars?

Just wanted to share... I'm off to the doctor now to see if he can fix my broken tonsil. At least I think it's my tonsil. Something is definitly screwed up in that area...

My New favorite thing!

You know... When I think of Pandora, it's usually some incredibly dumb (and I do picture her as blonde) greek chica who really screwed things up. Atleast according to the Greeks. Gotta love the greeks. Especially the food. Mmmm gyros... But back to Pandora. Stupid girl, always hated her. Even though it was really Epimetheus' fault that she opened the box. Stupid Epimetheus. But back to Pandora. Finally found something that made me like the name.

Pandora.com my new favorite thing. Even better than rain drops on roses, girls in white dresses and sleeping with roaches. (Gawsh, I love that CD Lauren!) It takes a favorite band or song and using the "Music Genome Project" creates a radio station scientificly suited to my ears. So far I love it. I have one station set to The Weakerthans, Tigan and Sara, Ani Difranco, Mae, and Simple Plan (hey... I like them, shut up.) And I love it. It has introduced me to new bands that I probably would never have ever heard of and, well... It's just cool. Even cooler than Thin Mint Edy's Ice cream. And much much cooler than the swollen tonsils and sore throat that I'm suffering from at the moment. I hate tonsils. Really. The swelling... the pain... the sucking... gah.

"The Car" is still way cool! It not only has a moonroof, but it has a 10 (yes 10!) cd changer and way cool speakers in it. The only badness? Cd changer's in the trunk and the cd player in the car doesn't play mp3s. But besides that the after market stereo and speakers are awesome!

Well, by non scripted rambling has ended... I'd leave you with the picture of the day but the uploading hates me. Or my tonsils... one of the two.

Changing of the guard

Well, it's been a very long time since I've updated! And so many uncool things have happened. But then some cool things happened and it's mostly all good.

So, we bid goodbye to Grania - The Irish Pirate Queen. (Aka Old Bessie)

That was a fun little car. And so many cool things happened in that car. Trips to well, everywhere... Elements of style, tires falling off, the trunk never really closing right... the deer running into me... Almost hitting Gypsy... Ah the stories. The good timez. Well, in case you all didn't know, Tim and I killed 'lil Grania and I got to go to the hospital in an ambulance! Yeah the fun. Some how we rear ended the car in front of us with the rear passanger side of the car. Right above the rear tire. Grizzly man. Grizzly.

But now we got a new Car: Enter "No Name." She needs a name kids!

And to make it even more fun, I bought her while Tim was doing relief work down in New Orleans. Talk about stress!

But it all worked out. Tim is back from New Orleans, Gallun's are back from California, and Jeff is all Married. I actually think I might miss Jordan. But Gus is happy to be back home. The next major thing: Poland followed by GenCon! Somehow it'll work. I hope!