Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Guess That Push Has Come To This, So I Guess This Must Be Shove

I suppose that I started this blog thing for a reason. That reason being that I've often been told that if you express what you're feeling, you feel better. Not always the truest of sentiments, but it'll do for now. And it was trendy. Everyone was doing it. And that's probably the number one reason that I let it slip to the side. But now I find myself needing to express my feelings. It would be smartest to address the persons who have helped put me in this situation directly. But they don't need more stress in their life. No one needs more stress. Let alone the stress of walking me through my latest meltdown. And I really don't feel like sharing my darkest deepest feelings with the entire Internet. Not that anyone would be remotely interested. And I'm not saying that in a self depreciating manner, either. I'm just not as interesting as I once was. And I'm sure that the husband is sick of listening to his snot ridden, tear sodden wife.

He tells me I need to make a decision regarding my life. Fine. I want my life to be static. None of this people leaving me crap. Nothing should change, and I should always get my way. OK, that last bit may be just a tad childish. But honestly, I don't really want a lot out of life. I just want a lot of friends who genuinely care about me, just like I care about them. Which is to say, a lot.
Deep down I understand that life has to change. It is the very nature of life. Though I disagree with the theory of Evolution as many religiously disinclined preach it. Our lives do evolve as the American Heritage Dictionary so aptly puts it. "A gradual process in which something changes into a different and usually more complex or better form. " Not sure that I agree with the better form. But we can leave it for the moment.
I'm just sick and tired of it happening. I know that I haven't always been the best friend in the world. But it really did mean a lot to me, knowing that you all were 'just there' when I needed you. You were there if I wanted to call you up and hit Chin's or Denny's, that was fine. But every single stinking time I let my barriers down to get close to someone, or begin to rely on someone, they leave. Some more permanently than others... But still gone. Ani said it best in "Out of Habit"

i want my old friends
i want my old face
i want my old mind
f*ck this time and place

I am happy for those who are moving on with their lives. Really I am. Maybe I'm even a little jealous. But I chose what I chose, and here I am. A mediocre wife, a failing pioneer, emotionally challenged. I feel trapped. Devoid of choices. I'm not angry, or upset with my choices. I love Tim and really can't imagine my life with out him. But I'm 28, soon to be 29, I live in my parent's basement, work at a nice enough place, pioneer poorly, and... I don't know. If we do buy a duplex, we have a house tying us down if we ever do get to apply to Gilead or accepted to Bethel (As if... that's ever going to happen.) If we don't buy, we rent a place, or live in my parent's basement. Ain't no cat, Ain't no cradle.

Well, I haven't fully expressed what I'm feeling, and I can't say that I'm feeling particularly better. Perhaps a bit. I've identified that I'm indulging in a fantastic pity party. And Nutmeg just reminded me that I really should get dressed and do something with my life.

Friday, September 07, 2007

not really a post, just a thought that I didn't want to forget and didn't have any paper

great song subject: Give me some tequila and a little bit of time.

and there are only two types of people. Those who are stupid enough not to get it, when I say something snide, and those who are smart enough to get it. You know who you are....